Jumping At Shadows

She sobbed in frustration as her body did as they wanted. He petite little fangs came free of his arm as her tail uncurled. Liv's words instilled fear like she had never known. "No.... Home.. Please... I'll starve... Please..."

i put my hand trough my hair saying "geez i just fed you".

"I'm sure." I close the veil with all the satisfaction of slamming a door. Then I step forward, and hold out my hand to Ril. "I am sorry, cousin."
With a laugh, he pulls me into a hug. "Na, na. That was a grand thing! Great fun!" Then he pushes me off. "I'm starved."
The circle breaks up in laughter and chatter. Sheepish, relieved, my friends and I are swept up and back into the holt, where cheers and jeers for his incautious act meet Ril. Soon, it is as if nothing untoward had been, and we're back to eating and talking about the cookfires as the sun sets.

with the conversations going on around me I murmur to Liv "thankyou, and I have a story for you later ok?" a part of me finally begins to relax as the holt goes about itself around me, it is good to be back here as much as it used to scare me I can see why Liv sees this as her whole identity but for some details it could be the same as my own home growing up "I missed this"

i look at aruna and say "so what do you want to do?".

"Now there's a man with some sense. Unlike you, kit."
At the creaking voice, I turn, and give my Grandmother Sruth a slight smile. "Grandmother."
Carefully, the old lady sits beside us, studying first Liam, then me. "Well. You don't look too sickly. And I've heard good of your work. But you could have sent word." With a reuful glance at Liam, I give Grandmother Sruth a smile. "True enough, Grandmother. But..." I shrug. For a moment, she stares deeply into my eyes. Then she nods. "I see."
Glancing up, she tugs on the corner of Liam's shirt. "And you boy. Not sleeping enough. But still living. Good enough, I suppose."

I can't help but laugh "I could sleep for a century and not catch up to all the sleep I lost, Ma'am" then glancing at liv "besides, that same statement has been parroted at her from a fair number of sources lately" still smiling "and yes it is good to have a pulse and not be shied away from as i used to be"

Sruth reaches out a twig-branch hand, and takes Liam's chin, studying him. "And for all that, yet you fear."
"Grandmother." I state warningly, and she shoots me a look of equal warning. "I'll speak as I find, kit."
I roll my eyes, giving Liam an apologetic look.
"And none of that making eyes either." Sruth states. "You've troubles as well, my kit. I'll hear it all tonight."

"Fear keeps me alive Ma'am, i will not run from it or hide it." I shrug "I would rather be honest about it"

Sruth raised a brow, a spark in her dark eyes. "Wise words, boy. Very wise."
She opens her mouth again, but before she'd spoken, a girl my own age is pulling me to my feet. "Woah, Tel, what's-"
"Didn't you hear me? I'm handfasting today!" Grinning, Tel is glowing in my eyes. "A lad from Rowanbank holt. His name's Mul and he's grand, Liv!" she squeezed her hands around mine. "Will you sing for us? Please?"
"Of course I will." I say, with a smile. She hugs me, and dances away through the crowds. Smiling, I take my seat again. "Eat fast Liam, there will be a handfasting tonight."

"Congratulations to you Miss" i feel foolish for missing her name so quickly " hurrying to eat "anything i can do for some backup liv? or shall i just leave it to you? " i pull out a small well adged wooden flute, " father hated that I used to play this when i had time, well this isn't that one, but it looks enough like it"

"Others will play, but you'll be welcome, my friend." I say, smiling.
Soon the hall is cleared, and the ceremony begins between my cousin and her chosen, and I wrap the room in the song, starting with several traditional tunes, and then slipping into a slow song for their first dance as partners.
Bheir me o, horo van o
Bheir me o, horo van ee
Bheir me o, o hooro ho
Sad am I, without thee"
By the first verse, I realize that this was a poor choice. The song brings a lump to the back of my throat. But there's nothing for it now.

"Thou'rt the music of my heart
Song of joy, o cruit mo chruidh
Moon of guidance by night
Strength and light thou'rt to me"

In the morning, when I go
To the dark and shining streams
In the calling of the birds
Thy soft calling to me.

When I'm lonely, dear white heart
Dark the waters, no way for me
By love's light, my foot finds
The old pathway to ye

Bheir me o, horo van o
Bheir me o, horo van ee
Bheir me o, o hooro ho
Sad am I, without thee."
By the time I am finished, there are tears in my voice, and it takes all that I have to keep the others from feeling the ache in me. Swiftly, I bow, and slip outside. Alone. I have to be alone.
Sruth's eyes follow her descendent carefully. Slowly, she shakes her head. "I was afraid of that." Looking at Liam, she frowns. "How long she been this way?"

"longer then she has been back home, she is holding her grief and letting none offer any balm to it that i can see." softer "I am afraid that she will break herself, she is kin and man, she attends to one part of herself but not the other, would that could take the pain but i can't." I stand slowly "i put this off to long, I will go talk to her, let her see a couple things from a different point of view, if she listens, she listens if she doesn't she doesn't but I can't sit and do nothing while she hurts, by your leave ma'am?"

With a smile, Sruth waves a hand. "Go on."
It's his breathing that gives him away, when Liam comes into the hollow where I'd gone, curling into the bole of an oak.
"Go away, Liam." My words are cold, flat. "I need to be alone."

"Liv, you have been alone for more then six months." i say softly "please listen to a story would you?" i sit down a little ways away "you have offered balm to any you met who hurt or needed it, now let someone do the same"

"It is not balm when it stings as badly as the wound." I murmur, my eyes closed. "I need peace. I can't-" I swallow the crack in my voice. "I can't bear company. Please. Go."

"Liv, no." I look up "you know i am at least as stubborn as you."I try to make sure she can hear and see what i am saying isn't out of cruelty. "you aren't the only one who lost him that day, if you think i don't know grief you haven't understood what you have seen, yes tonic can be bitter, but if you keep holding this in your heart all it will do is hurt more." I take a slow breath " I miss him too, I miss getting up in the middle of the night and walking in on arguements being goofy until one of you stops and thinks about the arguement, I miss the laughter and stories. I miss catbird. but we aren't talking about me, instead we are talking about a young woman." it is hard to say the next part "who thought that in her world nothing will ever be happy again." my own breath shudders at the memory " and walking the way she did, she was right, she walked away from others who cared dearly for her, and chose a path full or isolation and solitude, she thought that to have no feelings like that meant that she wouldn't ever hurt again." i take a moment to breath "she was wrong, for all her hiding it she never really stopped hurting she simply relived that moment every time she closed her eyes.it's hard to watch a family member go through that. "

Breathing is difficult, with the ache in my chest, and it makes the words I speak sound thin.
"You do not understand."
I draw a deep breath, staring at the loam. "What I lost was not a lover, or a friend, or a husband as you understand it, though he was all that to me. And more. I lost my mate. And part of my soul is gone with him." The next breath is a shudder. "I am not whole. There is an ache in me that bleeds and will not heal. I don't miss him. The word is paltry. So do not try to speak comfort and platitude to me. Let me alone. I will come inside when I have this under control."

"Liv, do not tell me what i do not understand" the words are low "I smelled the change, I know damn well what happened." slowly "I did some research while you were gone found glasses that translated so I could read, trying to understand what i scented and maybe try and find you. took me more then a month to be able to find out about what could cause the change and though my understanding is imperfect, i am not unfamiliar with soul mates, at one time there were more common then blades of grass, in both kinds." i stand up "you may not like it Liv, but sometimes I know more then people think" I offer her my hand "come on, the water calls it won't make you feel better but you are of light and water, it might help you compose youself."

I swallow hard. "Perhaps."
The water is cool against our skin. I wade in up to my knees, sitting on a rock in the current, watching the water make new patterns about my limbs. "I do not do this out of stubbornness. I....right now, I'm...." I draw a breath. "I am an empath. And I am in great pain. See the problem?"

" all too well" I let myself wade out a little farther "that is why i got worried about you." the water is comfortably cool " I know how hard the handfasting was too, you were more tense then i have seen you before then." I smile " you sound more like you now though. You aren't hiding, but come into the water, don't worry i have no guile or hidden agenda." i leave off that she was made for light and laughter not this brooding that she has taken too.

I sigh. "It was...difficult. You're right. I have had that trouble of late. I do not wish this pain on any other, but what I use is what I feel. I fear what I might do, in this state." Running fingers through the current, I smile wryly. "A ridiculous situation for a bard, is it not?"

"maybe as you know it." I answer carefully "maybe for a kindred bard, but for a human one it doesn't seem that ridiculous." i pause uncertain of how to continue, before warning "What i am going to say might offend you Liv, but it is what i have seen from knowing you. I am not belittling and I know you value the truth but this is going to be a bitter one." my mouth twists. "would that I could lessen the pain but I can't I can only offer a shoulder and an ear, and occasionally a story that relates to the current state but those are from my memories." i take a breath "will you hear it?"

I frown, staring down into the water. Then I lift a hand in invitation. If this helps him feel like he's doing something for me, well enough.

I sigh even I can tell she is just humoring me "have you ever noticed that you acknowledge your human heritage when you feel it is useful but if you are hurting you say 'we dratsie' you tend to the kindred part of you when you are hurting or upset but this is a hurt that cuts into both parts of who you are," my words are careful "kindred seek solitude when hurt to not inflict it on others, humans need those we care about near to help us bear up under the weight of our grief." it is hard to say "and the balance between the two would be hard to find. have you allowed yourself to weep, or scream?" i keep some distance so as not to make her feel threatened "it may seem paltry and stupid but it helps." I watch her carefully "As cliche as it is I am sorry Liv, both for any insult i have offered and for everything that has happened."